Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Alone in Sight
Alone in Sight
Alone in sight a vision unseen
Sometimes the puzzle is not what it seems
We loose all the pieces they don’t seem to fit
Are we loosing the focus lets try to admit
Alone in sight a vision unseen
The flame gets higher chase after the dream
Change is around us, Revolution arise
A thing of the past?, lets bring it alive
Alone in sight a vision unseen
I’ll go to my grave with hopes to have seen
The start of change in a positive way
Brothers and sisters its ok
Alone in sight a vision Love knows
Follow the light and go where it goes
Lets bring Love to life planting its seeds
A new day is dawning and flowers they plead
The sun will nurture us with much warm caress
So now really children
Is there much time for rest
Greg Sanchez lll
Alone in sight a vision unseen
Sometimes the puzzle is not what it seems
We loose all the pieces they don’t seem to fit
Are we loosing the focus lets try to admit
Alone in sight a vision unseen
The flame gets higher chase after the dream
Change is around us, Revolution arise
A thing of the past?, lets bring it alive
Alone in sight a vision unseen
I’ll go to my grave with hopes to have seen
The start of change in a positive way
Brothers and sisters its ok
Alone in sight a vision Love knows
Follow the light and go where it goes
Lets bring Love to life planting its seeds
A new day is dawning and flowers they plead
The sun will nurture us with much warm caress
So now really children
Is there much time for rest
Greg Sanchez lll
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Inherit Dysfunction
A man on curbside begging for some money
A lady with teased out hair, how about a night with me honey?
All so overwhelming, is it just their call?
This inherit dysfunction nailing us to the wall
Walking in this city seeing all these faces
Like blueprint we’re made from our past leaving all the traces
I think I’m different from the man that talks to himself
Or the lady in the grocery store that stole something from the shelf
It’s inherit dysfunction it happens to us all
We think if we’re among the elite to this way
We could never fall
When I turn on the TV
If I walk down the street
Our world seems to be feeding on a bigger deceit
Some will seek out therapy, or some pills to do the trick
To reach a sense of normality
Curing what others define as the mentally sick
Abandonment of nurturing in our formative years battered and tattered and so many tears
Layer upon layer wall after wall
Good times always hard to recall
Inherit dysfunction where did it start
Is it just are humanity? I believe it’s a part..
Verbal, physical and emotional abuse are some chains that bound us, there is no excuse
Love is so needed if we want to break free
Of this inherit dysfunction we all hold a key
Greg Sanchez III
Friday, November 13, 2009
My opinion
I am speaking for myself and the countless friends I've lost recently and in the past. I have been HIV positive over half my life. I have concerns about funding for more progressive and realistic education and testing programs ….this is desperately needed especially in schools. I know here in Chicago Illinois funding got cut for some programs that do work in Schools, even so HIV/AIDS doesn’t just deserve 45 minutes of education in the classroom…but it must be a ongoing process. There is so much involved in the disease to bridge the gap to a generation that maybe wasn’t around when the devastation of deaths came..for them there is nothing to connect them to why it’s important information for them to learn. When I was educating at Schools that’s the way it was. One quick education presented..Then gather statistics, then we’re done ….,There were instances that teachers/program organizers wanted more information for the class or the groups, there just wasn't enough time set aside for doing this. Basically you do it, you meet a curriculums basic..very basic needs then it's done and no telling when the audience your speaking to will be reconnected to the HIV/AIDS education they need. There so many things that surround HIV/AIDS that need to be talked about if people are going to really get it.
That’s what governing AIDS/HIV agencies/organizations want us to do…get those numbers for testing, people we test, and the number of boring speeches made to fulfill a grant requirement ….never mind the impact or they learned anything from the education, but it's not always the AIDS agencies either sometimes it's a higher authority within the system that decides it's not important enough and the subject has been given some time....that's better than nothing? I don't think so...again, It is not all the bigger AIDS Agencies/organizations fault but those that govern above them that drive them to get numbers, which in turn drives us with unrealistic expectations…that’s what it boils down to, so our efforts reach so far, but not far enough.
So many agencies are hurting, people burnt out..the agencies are always driven by numbers to obtain for more money, but are the programs affective? There needs to be accountability around the big AIDS agencies/organizations, there needs to be a body of governing people over them.
People aren't getting involved because people are tired of not being heard and a tremendous lack of trust.
If over all we would take the focus that we put into other countries and bring some of that focus to our home here and educate, and focus on HIV/AIDS and STDs as much as people give the attention to breast cancer or any other agencies that people can safely belong to. Still after years and years still the stigmas exist, the silence persists.
We need a cure we need to get grassroots involved however, alot of big agencies are being paid really good, but have self interest….not all but some do and have been brought down.
I have been positive since th80's and an activist throughout the 90's and 2000's. Some states have their advisory boards of HIV poz people but they aren't doing anything that truly represent the people...the consumer advisory boards are merely a seat on a board to fulfill a need to have input and represent whatever demographic or race that the governing body that receives the money needs as a requirement to fulfill in order to receive monies. The body individuals of HIV poz people that are on these boards are merely set up to be puppets, a distraction to make them feel that they are doing something, but in the bigger picture are they being a voice for me? NO..some are in it for results but when no change comes they leave….we need to truly be heard and see results and change the way things are done from the grassroots up to the top..not the reverse.
We need a vaccine and a cure most importantly, we need to quit making this disease a ok disease to get and giving the public the false idea that people still are surviving with HIV but also the other side of the coin. Often times AIDS organizations play it safe and portray the healthy side … which is great, BUT people are still dying despite the drugs...let’s get real already!
I have a voice and others do too. People in AIDS organizations (again some) are making alot of money and will never get what people on the grassroots go through. At the end of the day they can go home and we remain with our struggles, how to pay the rent, food, spare money just to go out and do something.
If the powers that be keep on trying to soften this awful virus diversity of messages, stories and experience we will never learn or be open to those who went before us and what they did that was radical and worked (past), look at ourselves now and what we are doing wrong/right (present) envision of where we are going (future) we will always have the same broken record if we don’t all wake up and do something radically different. We always get emails when people want something-donate, give ,help, volunteer...
Why are your numbers down for people helping out, volunteering and donating, …well people are numb and their emotions need to wake up, people have to have reason to be connected to a cause, to do something, to be motivated. I am tired of monopolies and politics and the same people thinking they are conveying, representing and sending the right messages for those of us that are HIV/AIDs + affected/infected or those with secondary infection..I'm so tired of this. That's where I think the real problem exist...Accountability/watchdogs needs to be in place over big organizations/agencies who receive money. These big fund raisers some agencies throw for the HIV/AIDS cause (oh my God)...come on… how are those inclusive for the people this really affects,…when asked to spend 125 dollars a ticket, sometime more than that …. for an event, how can we afford that? Maybe it’s affordable in your world, not the one we who struggle to survive live in.
I have lost jobs because I believe in the truth, I have seen some organizations receive money and not know how to manage it..once I worked for a place that wanted me to lie about a fictitious satellite site they were getting money for and when I would go along with the lie to cover it they pushed me out of my job and this is not the first time a large agencies was doing wrong and it didn’t settle with me and I lost my job. I know other people this has happened to as well..it’s very sad when you work for a Health Department or an AIDS organization is aware of (for instance my status and physical problems) but really don’t care. I have gifts to use, to help others and I am good at what I do, however when you don’t kiss someone’s butt, or you don’t go along with what is shady, you are an outcast, you don’t belong and everyone views you as a radical/opinion not warranted or popular. I just stand by my heart, my personal memories and never selling out.
My opinion
G.S. III
That’s what governing AIDS/HIV agencies/organizations want us to do…get those numbers for testing, people we test, and the number of boring speeches made to fulfill a grant requirement ….never mind the impact or they learned anything from the education, but it's not always the AIDS agencies either sometimes it's a higher authority within the system that decides it's not important enough and the subject has been given some time....that's better than nothing? I don't think so...again, It is not all the bigger AIDS Agencies/organizations fault but those that govern above them that drive them to get numbers, which in turn drives us with unrealistic expectations…that’s what it boils down to, so our efforts reach so far, but not far enough.
So many agencies are hurting, people burnt out..the agencies are always driven by numbers to obtain for more money, but are the programs affective? There needs to be accountability around the big AIDS agencies/organizations, there needs to be a body of governing people over them.
People aren't getting involved because people are tired of not being heard and a tremendous lack of trust.
If over all we would take the focus that we put into other countries and bring some of that focus to our home here and educate, and focus on HIV/AIDS and STDs as much as people give the attention to breast cancer or any other agencies that people can safely belong to. Still after years and years still the stigmas exist, the silence persists.
We need a cure we need to get grassroots involved however, alot of big agencies are being paid really good, but have self interest….not all but some do and have been brought down.
I have been positive since th80's and an activist throughout the 90's and 2000's. Some states have their advisory boards of HIV poz people but they aren't doing anything that truly represent the people...the consumer advisory boards are merely a seat on a board to fulfill a need to have input and represent whatever demographic or race that the governing body that receives the money needs as a requirement to fulfill in order to receive monies. The body individuals of HIV poz people that are on these boards are merely set up to be puppets, a distraction to make them feel that they are doing something, but in the bigger picture are they being a voice for me? NO..some are in it for results but when no change comes they leave….we need to truly be heard and see results and change the way things are done from the grassroots up to the top..not the reverse.
We need a vaccine and a cure most importantly, we need to quit making this disease a ok disease to get and giving the public the false idea that people still are surviving with HIV but also the other side of the coin. Often times AIDS organizations play it safe and portray the healthy side … which is great, BUT people are still dying despite the drugs...let’s get real already!
I have a voice and others do too. People in AIDS organizations (again some) are making alot of money and will never get what people on the grassroots go through. At the end of the day they can go home and we remain with our struggles, how to pay the rent, food, spare money just to go out and do something.
If the powers that be keep on trying to soften this awful virus diversity of messages, stories and experience we will never learn or be open to those who went before us and what they did that was radical and worked (past), look at ourselves now and what we are doing wrong/right (present) envision of where we are going (future) we will always have the same broken record if we don’t all wake up and do something radically different. We always get emails when people want something-donate, give ,help, volunteer...
Why are your numbers down for people helping out, volunteering and donating, …well people are numb and their emotions need to wake up, people have to have reason to be connected to a cause, to do something, to be motivated. I am tired of monopolies and politics and the same people thinking they are conveying, representing and sending the right messages for those of us that are HIV/AIDs + affected/infected or those with secondary infection..I'm so tired of this. That's where I think the real problem exist...Accountability/watchdogs needs to be in place over big organizations/agencies who receive money. These big fund raisers some agencies throw for the HIV/AIDS cause (oh my God)...come on… how are those inclusive for the people this really affects,…when asked to spend 125 dollars a ticket, sometime more than that …. for an event, how can we afford that? Maybe it’s affordable in your world, not the one we who struggle to survive live in.
I have lost jobs because I believe in the truth, I have seen some organizations receive money and not know how to manage it..once I worked for a place that wanted me to lie about a fictitious satellite site they were getting money for and when I would go along with the lie to cover it they pushed me out of my job and this is not the first time a large agencies was doing wrong and it didn’t settle with me and I lost my job. I know other people this has happened to as well..it’s very sad when you work for a Health Department or an AIDS organization is aware of (for instance my status and physical problems) but really don’t care. I have gifts to use, to help others and I am good at what I do, however when you don’t kiss someone’s butt, or you don’t go along with what is shady, you are an outcast, you don’t belong and everyone views you as a radical/opinion not warranted or popular. I just stand by my heart, my personal memories and never selling out.
My opinion
G.S. III
Monday, November 9, 2009
Where does my voice belong
24 + years survivor here in the house. I come from old school activism and in my opinion there needs to be more of it. We need not reinvent the wheel but more-so to learn from the ones who have went before us, ..so the past, what we are doing now and where are we going. I find so may conformist in AIDS activism and does not represent the true voice and experience of HIV/AIDS. People are living yes, but people are still dying and suffering from AIDS or related HIV conditions. All organizations want is more money and to get richer and richer while there is no accountability and the so call ed activist that exist today...not all but some , have self driven motives. I believe complacency, volunteerism and the involvement of people that are positive has dropped severely because we have lost trust in the powers that be , even the ones that say they are on our side. A lifestyle living with 50,000 or even 100, 000 verses someone on the grass roots level that is on a fixed income is a great divide, they cannot see through our eyes our struggles..greed seems to lead the way and dictate the roads in which we follow, the trends, the politically correct way. ...Wake up and see the truth, critically think and realize there is such a need to renew the flame, start accountability projects, and quit trying to make HIV/AIDS look ok. There is a balance in this fight...survival and the point where no one imagines the end or the horrible images we once viewed with our eyes that stayed and were burnt in our hearts and memories forever. Let us not forget that we have a voice and others out there need to be encouraged to come out and make a stand and everyone has a story to tell and life experience to contribute....feel, remember, chip the ice off and know it's ok to react in sadness, without our sadness or feeling our losses and remembering that although some of us are in a place of health and hope to survive others give up, isolate still and some just are tired and want to die. I know ALOT of my friends have died, like Rob below,,, 100's and funerals I can't count , and the hospital visits I can't count, and at the funerals or obituaries AIDS the big disease with the little name still get skimmed over or is silenced. Still today we want to say everything is ok and it's not. I am grateful for the 24 years I have been alive . It's been half my life living with this, but I will never compromise what is right, and what my hearts convictions lead me to do. It might not make me popular in some circles but I'd rather live with myself than selling out!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Sick of being Sick
I have been meaning to write lately but have just been a bit reclusive and depressed. Easter weekend I went to Southbend to see my friends that I have not seen in ages. Andy, Julia, Kelly, Doug , John, Robert, Debra , Nardis and others I ran into while I was visiting. The following day after Easter I started getting very sick, Andy insisted I stay because my fever was goig up and down and I was sweating ...but I had to get back to Chicago for Daisy. I drove the whole way back..2 hours and was miserable the whole way home. Since then I have been sick, flu, strep, stomach bugs, headcold now. It seems that the frequency of me getting sick is becoming more often, with little gaps between of good health. The last time I went to see the doc my HIV viral load is going up and t-cells falling again. I Just Want To Feel Good!
When I went to South bend the last time , I tried to find my dear friend Betty who is also a long term survivor with AIDS. ..she has had this like 20 years and myself this month 24 years. I did get a lead while I was there in Southbend of where I could find her so I left my number. About a week later the phone rang and it was her : ) we talked and cried and remonissed on LEMAC days- our friends that have passed and the ongoing struggle of living with HIV/AIDS. Her sentiments were the same as mine...not really having someone to understand us. The numerous friends we've lost and with our eyes we witnessed this at a very early age and these images and the suffering forever remain inside. When I went back home to South bend I was so saddened and un numbed by the absence of friends I always looked forward to seeing...Gene, Glendora, Bill, Lil David , Terry, Larry, Ed...all gone...thats only to name some. I drove past the old house where me and my ex Rick lived, it's boarded up and no one has lived there since we left. I was struck by the change and just the reality that they are gone and I couldn't visit them..they made me think, reflect, laugh and always connected on how we viewed the world, AIDS...My brothers and sisters in the fight.
Getting back to Betty and I talking...she said she was frustrated because there some in the support group that complain about taking a pill a day for HIV..she was like, I got mad because ..what is he complaining for( I take handfulls of pills )- I agreed I said I do too. I get tired of people telling me how good I look...I mean thanks and all, but I truely struggle with my health so very much. There is a campaign here in Chicago called lifelube...I was asked to say something about living healthy. I really didn't feel it was a venue that allowed for my experience. Everything on there was mixed , mostly positive upbeat and thats just not how I am feeling. The truth is for me and many others ...we have been around living with this virus for a long time. For myself since my late teens- more than half my life. When I found out my t-cells were depleated, they have never been over 600 in all this time. HIV/AIDS has not been happy happy joy joy. It has taught me a great deal, however my experience is what it is. My biggest gift for survival has been God-not the man in the white coat and long Beard, but what in my heart God means to me, I have been given purpouse which in turn has given me something to look forward to- to hopefully create change-to see others grow together beyond our circumstances- to use a bad thing for the greater good. With this survival technique comes being authentically honest to myself, inward -outward. The fact is still HIV/AIDS is still taking lives, maybe at a slower pace then before when there were visable signs like wasting, or Karposis Sarcoma or things wer could point and say oh he or she has AIDS....now still , ever so quiet AIDS is still taking lives, pushing people into poverty, and still stands to be the test of time.
When will we open our eyes and quit trying to gloss over the still never ending impact it is having in our world?There are positive story's and not so positive about the realities that people try to leave out. Seems in the HIV/AIDS industry , it is one more program to get the numbers they need, one more program that doesn't work , one more program that vilinizes a population of people, one more ego to rub, and more money to make. My life is not the life of a CEO or someone that has made alot of money in this field..although maybe I could of but, I didn't want to ever sell out and for this I have paid a price. It's who's ass you kiss that gets you somewhere it seems.
This reminds me of something I read that rings true in my heart that I'll always remember and to be my guide to stay true and on the right path or intension-
We must remember that community itself is a gift to be received, not a goal to be achieved. We have a strong tendency to make community one more project among many, to struggle and strain to come into relationship with one another, only to find that the very stress of theses efforts exhaust us and drives us apart. Still, time after time we try to “make” community happen in the same effortful and self-defeating ways. Why? Because as long as we are the makers, we remain in control; and as long as we are in control, we will not be vulnerable to the risks of true community.
True community, like all gifts, involves true risks. Community may or may not happen, may or may not be received, may or may not have consequences we like...
...When a leader is willing to trust the abundance that people have and can generate together, willing to take the risk of inviting people to share that abundance, then and only then may true community emerge.
When we approach community as a project that can succeed if only we have the right technique, the right setting, the right goals, the right people, we are on the wrong track. Community and its abundance are always there, free gifts of grace that sustain our lives. The question is whether we will be able to perceive those gifts and receive them...
..Parker J. Palmer, The active life, pp.136-138
I know that not everyone out there is a bad person and people sometimes just do what they are told despite what they know inside is right. Loosing a job is a real thing if you don't do what your told or save your own ass, being blackballed is a real thing, being pushed till you get sick is a real thing. Getting a bad reputation in the community or being rumored about because another feels threatened by you..the truth.
Betty comforted me while I was crying, she understood in our conversation what I was saying in so many topics that I often feel misunderstood about. She really listened-it was kind of reverse because in her worst moments I was so strong and now that I feel weak , I need people of strenthgh to pull me up and she has recently been one I can look up to-she inspires me still.
I hope that my temple will heal and get better so I can be in better spirits than I have been in. I just have so much time to think, write, reflect, worry, contemplate my future..do I have one? Whats going to happen? Is my purpouse over? Is there something more Love has me to do? Will I leave this earth soon? Will I be around for a cure? Will my family come to Peace with each other? Will I Love again? Can I forgive myself for paths I did chose when they were wrong? I want and will find a way to get up from under this blanket of bricks that seems to be holding me down. I think I'm getting it..rest a little , let go a little..be a Peace a little..Let it be, let it be , there will be answer, Let it be.
When I went to South bend the last time , I tried to find my dear friend Betty who is also a long term survivor with AIDS. ..she has had this like 20 years and myself this month 24 years. I did get a lead while I was there in Southbend of where I could find her so I left my number. About a week later the phone rang and it was her : ) we talked and cried and remonissed on LEMAC days- our friends that have passed and the ongoing struggle of living with HIV/AIDS. Her sentiments were the same as mine...not really having someone to understand us. The numerous friends we've lost and with our eyes we witnessed this at a very early age and these images and the suffering forever remain inside. When I went back home to South bend I was so saddened and un numbed by the absence of friends I always looked forward to seeing...Gene, Glendora, Bill, Lil David , Terry, Larry, Ed...all gone...thats only to name some. I drove past the old house where me and my ex Rick lived, it's boarded up and no one has lived there since we left. I was struck by the change and just the reality that they are gone and I couldn't visit them..they made me think, reflect, laugh and always connected on how we viewed the world, AIDS...My brothers and sisters in the fight.
Getting back to Betty and I talking...she said she was frustrated because there some in the support group that complain about taking a pill a day for HIV..she was like, I got mad because ..what is he complaining for( I take handfulls of pills )- I agreed I said I do too. I get tired of people telling me how good I look...I mean thanks and all, but I truely struggle with my health so very much. There is a campaign here in Chicago called lifelube...I was asked to say something about living healthy. I really didn't feel it was a venue that allowed for my experience. Everything on there was mixed , mostly positive upbeat and thats just not how I am feeling. The truth is for me and many others ...we have been around living with this virus for a long time. For myself since my late teens- more than half my life. When I found out my t-cells were depleated, they have never been over 600 in all this time. HIV/AIDS has not been happy happy joy joy. It has taught me a great deal, however my experience is what it is. My biggest gift for survival has been God-not the man in the white coat and long Beard, but what in my heart God means to me, I have been given purpouse which in turn has given me something to look forward to- to hopefully create change-to see others grow together beyond our circumstances- to use a bad thing for the greater good. With this survival technique comes being authentically honest to myself, inward -outward. The fact is still HIV/AIDS is still taking lives, maybe at a slower pace then before when there were visable signs like wasting, or Karposis Sarcoma or things wer could point and say oh he or she has AIDS....now still , ever so quiet AIDS is still taking lives, pushing people into poverty, and still stands to be the test of time.
When will we open our eyes and quit trying to gloss over the still never ending impact it is having in our world?There are positive story's and not so positive about the realities that people try to leave out. Seems in the HIV/AIDS industry , it is one more program to get the numbers they need, one more program that doesn't work , one more program that vilinizes a population of people, one more ego to rub, and more money to make. My life is not the life of a CEO or someone that has made alot of money in this field..although maybe I could of but, I didn't want to ever sell out and for this I have paid a price. It's who's ass you kiss that gets you somewhere it seems.
This reminds me of something I read that rings true in my heart that I'll always remember and to be my guide to stay true and on the right path or intension-
We must remember that community itself is a gift to be received, not a goal to be achieved. We have a strong tendency to make community one more project among many, to struggle and strain to come into relationship with one another, only to find that the very stress of theses efforts exhaust us and drives us apart. Still, time after time we try to “make” community happen in the same effortful and self-defeating ways. Why? Because as long as we are the makers, we remain in control; and as long as we are in control, we will not be vulnerable to the risks of true community.
True community, like all gifts, involves true risks. Community may or may not happen, may or may not be received, may or may not have consequences we like...
...When a leader is willing to trust the abundance that people have and can generate together, willing to take the risk of inviting people to share that abundance, then and only then may true community emerge.
When we approach community as a project that can succeed if only we have the right technique, the right setting, the right goals, the right people, we are on the wrong track. Community and its abundance are always there, free gifts of grace that sustain our lives. The question is whether we will be able to perceive those gifts and receive them...
..Parker J. Palmer, The active life, pp.136-138
I know that not everyone out there is a bad person and people sometimes just do what they are told despite what they know inside is right. Loosing a job is a real thing if you don't do what your told or save your own ass, being blackballed is a real thing, being pushed till you get sick is a real thing. Getting a bad reputation in the community or being rumored about because another feels threatened by you..the truth.
Betty comforted me while I was crying, she understood in our conversation what I was saying in so many topics that I often feel misunderstood about. She really listened-it was kind of reverse because in her worst moments I was so strong and now that I feel weak , I need people of strenthgh to pull me up and she has recently been one I can look up to-she inspires me still.
I hope that my temple will heal and get better so I can be in better spirits than I have been in. I just have so much time to think, write, reflect, worry, contemplate my future..do I have one? Whats going to happen? Is my purpouse over? Is there something more Love has me to do? Will I leave this earth soon? Will I be around for a cure? Will my family come to Peace with each other? Will I Love again? Can I forgive myself for paths I did chose when they were wrong? I want and will find a way to get up from under this blanket of bricks that seems to be holding me down. I think I'm getting it..rest a little , let go a little..be a Peace a little..Let it be, let it be , there will be answer, Let it be.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Under construction
It has been a bit difficult for me for me to start out on this page with something great to discuss. I have been sick with strep and the flu and haven't been too social. I am generally quite the chatter box. I just wanted to say something while this page is being constructed. I am learning as I go. It will come together eventually. Having all this down time has made me very reflective about life, being still and getting rid of the noise that can reek havoc when you don't even realize. This page is under construction and so am I.
G
G
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