Sick of being Sick

I have been meaning to write lately but have just been a bit reclusive and depressed. Easter weekend I went to Southbend to see my friends that I have not seen in ages. Andy, Julia, Kelly, Doug , John, Robert, Debra , Nardis and others I ran into while I was visiting. The following day after Easter I started getting very sick, Andy insisted I stay because my fever was goig up and down and I was sweating ...but I had to get back to Chicago for Daisy. I drove the whole way back..2 hours and was miserable the whole way home. Since then I have been sick, flu, strep, stomach bugs, headcold now. It seems that the frequency of me getting sick is becoming more often, with little gaps between of good health. The last time I went to see the doc my HIV viral load is going up and t-cells falling again. I Just Want To Feel Good!
When I went to South bend the last time , I tried to find my dear friend Betty who is also a long term survivor with AIDS. ..she has had this like 20 years and myself this month 24 years. I did get a lead while I was there in Southbend of where I could find her so I left my number. About a week later the phone rang and it was her : ) we talked and cried and remonissed on LEMAC days- our friends that have passed and the ongoing struggle of living with HIV/AIDS. Her sentiments were the same as mine...not really having someone to understand us. The numerous friends we've lost and with our eyes we witnessed this at a very early age and these images and the suffering forever remain inside. When I went back home to South bend I was so saddened and un numbed by the absence of friends I always looked forward to seeing...Gene, Glendora, Bill, Lil David , Terry, Larry, Ed...all gone...thats only to name some. I drove past the old house where me and my ex Rick lived, it's boarded up and no one has lived there since we left. I was struck by the change and just the reality that they are gone and I couldn't visit them..they made me think, reflect, laugh and always connected on how we viewed the world, AIDS...My brothers and sisters in the fight.
Getting back to Betty and I talking...she said she was frustrated because there some in the support group that complain about taking a pill a day for HIV..she was like, I got mad because ..what is he complaining for( I take handfulls of pills )- I agreed I said I do too. I get tired of people telling me how good I look...I mean thanks and all, but I truely struggle with my health so very much. There is a campaign here in Chicago called lifelube...I was asked to say something about living healthy. I really didn't feel it was a venue that allowed for my experience. Everything on there was mixed , mostly positive upbeat and thats just not how I am feeling. The truth is for me and many others ...we have been around living with this virus for a long time. For myself since my late teens- more than half my life. When I found out my t-cells were depleated, they have never been over 600 in all this time. HIV/AIDS has not been happy happy joy joy. It has taught me a great deal, however my experience is what it is. My biggest gift for survival has been God-not the man in the white coat and long Beard, but what in my heart God means to me, I have been given purpouse which in turn has given me something to look forward to- to hopefully create change-to see others grow together beyond our circumstances- to use a bad thing for the greater good. With this survival technique comes being authentically honest to myself, inward -outward. The fact is still HIV/AIDS is still taking lives, maybe at a slower pace then before when there were visable signs like wasting, or Karposis Sarcoma or things wer could point and say oh he or she has AIDS....now still , ever so quiet AIDS is still taking lives, pushing people into poverty, and still stands to be the test of time.
When will we open our eyes and quit trying to gloss over the still never ending impact it is having in our world?There are positive story's and not so positive about the realities that people try to leave out. Seems in the HIV/AIDS industry , it is one more program to get the numbers they need, one more program that doesn't work , one more program that vilinizes a population of people, one more ego to rub, and more money to make. My life is not the life of a CEO or someone that has made alot of money in this field..although maybe I could of but, I didn't want to ever sell out and for this I have paid a price. It's who's ass you kiss that gets you somewhere it seems.

This reminds me of something I read that rings true in my heart that I'll always remember and to be my guide to stay true and on the right path or intension-

We must remember that community itself is a gift to be received, not a goal to be achieved. We have a strong tendency to make community one more project among many, to struggle and strain to come into relationship with one another, only to find that the very stress of theses efforts exhaust us and drives us apart. Still, time after time we try to “make” community happen in the same effortful and self-defeating ways. Why? Because as long as we are the makers, we remain in control; and as long as we are in control, we will not be vulnerable to the risks of true community.

True community, like all gifts, involves true risks. Community may or may not happen, may or may not be received, may or may not have consequences we like...

...When a leader is willing to trust the abundance that people have and can generate together, willing to take the risk of inviting people to share that abundance, then and only then may true community emerge.

When we approach community as a project that can succeed if only we have the right technique, the right setting, the right goals, the right people, we are on the wrong track. Community and its abundance are always there, free gifts of grace that sustain our lives. The question is whether we will be able to perceive those gifts and receive them...

..Parker J. Palmer, The active life, pp.136-138

I know that not everyone out there is a bad person and people sometimes just do what they are told despite what they know inside is right. Loosing a job is a real thing if you don't do what your told or save your own ass, being blackballed is a real thing, being pushed till you get sick is a real thing. Getting a bad reputation in the community or being rumored about because another feels threatened by you..the truth.

Betty comforted me while I was crying, she understood in our conversation what I was saying in so many topics that I often feel misunderstood about. She really listened-it was kind of reverse because in her worst moments I was so strong and now that I feel weak , I need people of strenthgh to pull me up and she has recently been one I can look up to-she inspires me still.
I hope that my temple will heal and get better so I can be in better spirits than I have been in. I just have so much time to think, write, reflect, worry, contemplate my future..do I have one? Whats going to happen? Is my purpouse over? Is there something more Love has me to do? Will I leave this earth soon? Will I be around for a cure? Will my family come to Peace with each other? Will I Love again? Can I forgive myself for paths I did chose when they were wrong? I want and will find a way to get up from under this blanket of bricks that seems to be holding me down. I think I'm getting it..rest a little , let go a little..be a Peace a little..Let it be, let it be , there will be answer, Let it be.